Progress

Today marks 6 months since Porter's accident on April 26th. I can't believe it. It seems like it's been 3 years. I feel terrible that I haven't been better about keeping up on this blog. I feel overwhelmed when I sit down to write. There's so much going on inside of me and outside of Porter and his situation that consumes me, that I find its hard to sit and just talk about Porters progress. BUT there IS progress. Amazing, wonderful, awesome progress and I need to document it. But sometimes our world feels mundane. Same thing day in and day out. We go to therapy at Neuroworx 5 days a week, 2-3 hours a day in Utah and then try to get home to Pocatello on the weekends. It has been good to be here in Utah and receive the fabulous therapy we are getting, but it has been hard to be away from Paul and Sawyer. We feel disconnected a lot and feel frustrated that there isn't a better option right now. We are working on future possibilities and talking to various people that may help us figure out a way to live in Pocatello and still receive the type of physical and occupational therapy he needs. 

When I look back on when we first got to Neuroworx in August, I can't believe the progress. So while it feels minute to me, I know that overtime, the little incremental improvements turn into grand abilities. Porter is working a lot on strengthening. In order for him to transfer himself, roll in bed, and do pressure releases, he needs to be strong. He needs to be able to lift, balance and stabilize his own body and legs and maneuver himself. That requires a lot of strength and patience. He is getting it. They have him practicing these things a lot. Luckily, they make it interesting by doing various activities and challenges for him to keep pushing him harder. I'm super proud of his attitude and perseverance. He is NOT a complainer. He is always willing to go to therapy and I think he genuinely likes it. The therapists are wonderful and I feel like they know Porter now. We are so grateful for their knowledge and expertise in their fields. Porter has come a long way. 

Porter is taking 2 classes online from BYU High School Online. History and English. It has proven more difficult than we anticipated in doing assignments and tests. We are researching better computer options that have voice commands and more functional mouse pads for Porters abilities. He has been pretty good about history, but is dragging his feet (metaphorically) with English. I can't seem to say the right thing that will motivate him. His awesome counselor at school also enrolled him in a couple of classes that will allow his PT and OT count towards some credits which is so great. And it will make the transition easier when he decides he's ready to go back to school. So, that's what's happening with that.

Porter misses his friends. I'm sure he does a good job of communicating with them on his phone, but I know he misses the social interaction in his life. Poor guy is stuck with me. Fortunately, he has his sister Emma and her husband Ryan to entertain him during the time we're in Salt Lake, They are living with us and provide much needed distraction. Emma also takes turns accompanying him to therapy when she's available. It's been good to have them around. When we're in Pocatello, Porter looks forward to spending time with friends. Restaurants, movies, watching his friends play soccer or tennis, soda barn runs, and goofing off in stores.

He's cute though because he doesn't want to do certain things and chooses not to participate in some of the happenings. I don't blame him. Like the football games for example. Our High School plays in the Holt Arena and so there is only a specific section that accommodates his wheelchair. It is not by the student section and while his friends may be willing to come and say hi, he doesn't want any of them to feel like they need to stay over there with him. He doesn't want to inconvenience anyone or make them change their plans to include him. But, he loves to be with them when there is something that he's able to do. Porter is blessed to have good friends that come and pick him up and take him places and include him in their activities.  I was super proud of Porter for choosing to go to the homecoming dance. I know it was out of his comfort zone and he was anxious about how it would all play out, but his darling date, Abby, and his good friends made it all work. He was so happy he decided to go and it was a good time. I tried to be as uninvolved as possible and just met him a couple of times throughout the day to help him empty his bladder.

Another brave thing he did was his friend, James, was chosen to be royalty, and he invited Porter and couple other friends to escort him at the assembly when it was announced. Porter was very unsure about doing this since he hadn't been to the school yet and hasn't seen most of his classmates since his accident. He had pretty much decided not to do it, but with some encouragement and talking through it, he decided he'd go for it. It took a lot of courage. It played out very well and I loved watching people see him as we walked in and their faces would light up and they would come over and say, "Hey Porter! It's good to see you." He and his friends wore matching outfits and they were looking fresh. It was a very fun assembly. The whole time I was wondering what Porter was thinking and feeling. Being back at the school, watching all of it through different eyes, and not feeling a part of it. I couldn't tell if he was liking being there or if it was making him sad. On our way home, he seemed fine and said, "that was weird to be there." That's about all I got. 

Little by little we have made our way out into the world and tried to do various activities and go places that are fun. I don't think I ever shared how awesome that concert was that my friends made happen back in August. When I was sitting at the concert surrounded by friends and family, my heart was swollen with joy. Every time I looked over at Porter, he was smiling. He had looked forward to this concert for quite awhile. Peter Breinholt and Jon Schmidt are such fun performers and just make you feel like you're hanging out with them. They made it personal for us and it seemed like they had really thought out their songs and the meanings and tailored it for Porter. SUCH GREAT GUYS! I have the most amazing friends that spent SOOOO much time and energy making it happen. I don't even know all that went into it, but I know they spent LOTS of precious hours to make sure it was fabulous. And it was! There have been multiple situations surrounding the concert that have been miraculous and awesome and prove what generous and kind people that are part of our Pocatello community. We are so grateful for everyone that came out to support us. 

Throughout the day leading up to it, I couldn't help but think of other families in our community that are dealing with really hard things in their lives as well. Wishing and hoping they have people in their lives that will bless them as we have been blessed. My heart wants to touch theirs as mine has been touched by so many. I want to be there for others as they have been there for me. I was talking to Peter before the concert telling him how I wish there was a way for me to repay him or adequately express my appreciation for what he did for our family - not to mention countless others I want to thank. He told me, my repayment and gift to others, will be my experience and knowledge that will come from having gone through this and that at different times in my life, I will be able to give back and bless others because of what I've gone through. That really touched me and made it feel ok. My prayer is that I'll be there to show up for anyone that might need me.

Unfortunately, one such incident happened with a good friends son last month. BUT FORTUNATELY, he can walk and is going to be ok. It was fulfilling for Porter and I to be people that could go and visit Christian and commiserate and help him know we love him. He was such a trooper and had a great attitude and we went away feeling so grateful for their family and the relationship we enjoy with them.

We had to say goodbye to Hyrum. He and Porter became such good friends which was a huge blessing. Hyrum has been cute and wanting to take Porter with him on his mission "in spirit." He wants to share it all with Porter. I feel like he also draws strength when he thinks about doing it for the both of them.

When the leaves were peaking, Emma, Porter and I decided to drive up little cottonwood canyon, which is one second from where we live. It was sooo pretty. We took the tram at Snowbird up to the top of the mountain. I have never been on a tram before and it was so accessible for porter. It was awesome. We hadn't quite dressed warm enough, not remembering how chilly it would be that high in the mountains. I loved being up there on hidden peak and breathing in that crisp clean air and seeing the beautiful 360 degree vistas. It was amazing wherever you looked. We went in the facility and bought some yummy hot chocolate. It was a good time.

We have been invited to peoples homes and have done pretty good about getting Porter in with various ramps and man power. We have had to improvise a little, but so far so good. We really appreciate good friends and family that do what they can to make our new life feasible. It makes Porter happy to do normal life stuff. 

We got to go to the open house of the Pocatello Temple. We have been sooooo excited watching it during construction and feel so blessed to live so close. The anticipation of having a temple made it more exciting when we got to go in and see it. WOW! It is absolutely breathtaking. So beautiful. So peaceful. We were really grateful we were in town to be able to go through a couple of times. 

Just this week, after many phone calls and much frustration, Porter's power assist wheelchair was delivered. We are so excited. It's going to be a new challenge and push in the right direction for Porter's therapy, growth and progression. It is a manual wheelchair, but the wheels have power assist, which is like an E-bike and when Porter pushes on the wheels a little power kicks in and helps propel him forward or backwards. It's awesome technology and will help him while he's gaining strength. We have other wheels that we can put on eventually that don't have the power assist, but for now we will use these ones. It is a different feeling and will take some getting used to.  I am excited about it. It will also help Porter in his independence. 

Another big thing that has been going on in our life is our house. We decided to adapt our house for Porter. We are so beyond grateful for Kevin and his making it all happen. I know it's been tricky working with us because Paul and I are indecisive people and I'm never there to make an decisions or help and so we are just getting it done slowly but surely. We appreciate so many people that have donated their supplies, time and energy, and talents to bless our lives. Again and again, we are blown away by people's generosity, kindness, support and help. The house is looking awesome. We have Porter's room almost done, but then I went and tore off the fireplace mantel and surroundings with a friend. haha so that still needs to be figured out, but it's painted and has new lights. The bathroom looks fabulous. The shower is PERFECT and looks so cool. It works amazing and makes the whole shower time so nice. The last thing there is the sink and countertop we are waiting on - which again is my fault for not picking sooner. The TV room is done - I just need to get some sort of rug because with the carpet gone, it is so loud in there. If anyone has a good rug recommendation - let me know. I'm beyond clueless. It has been so awesome to have the lift. It works so well and we are so pleased with the way it has all come together. Paul and Sawyer have put so much time and effort into it. I know they are constantly working on it to make it just right. I am so grateful and a little jealous. I love doing projects and feel very disconnected from this one. Paul is a rockstar for spending every last second he has on it. Thank you to everyone that has made it possible for us to have these things done to our house. We are so glad we decided to go this direction and it feels good to be home. 

We continue to be blessed by our neighborhood and friends - people bringing Paul and Sawyer meals, people checking in on Sawyer and including him, and people constantly offering to help in any way. Porter and I have continued to enjoy visits with cousins, grandparents, friends and family while we are in Salt Lake. We know we are not alone and we are so grateful. 

We know Heavenly Father is aware of us. We can see His hand in our lives. He strengthens us and continues to fill us with hope. We trust in his plan. We know that He can see the big picture better than we can. Porter is healthy and happy and I am so dang proud of him. I love being his mom.

I was asked to give a talk in church on miracles. I'm attaching it here for my own purposes, but happy for you to read it too if you want to keep reading. 

There is a children’s song titled “Miracle” by Shawna Edwards. I’m sure all the kids know it. It’s beautiful. I wish I could sing it to you, but instead I’ll just read you the lyrics.

Jesus walked upon the water
He stilled the storm and calmed the angry sea,
With His hands he healed the leper,
He made the lame to walk, the blind to see.
He fed a thousand people with a loaf or two of bread.
And when the ruler’s daughter died,
He raised her from the dead.
Jesus is a God of miracles,
Nothing is at all impossible to Him,
But I know this:
Of all his miracles, the most incredible must be the miracle that rescues me!
Jesus bled and died to save me,
A price that I could never pay alone,
When he rose again he gave me,
The greatest gift the world has ever known!
Yes I can be forgiven every time that I repent
And someday He will lift me up to live with him again.

Jesus is a god of miracles.

Nothing is at all impossible to Him,

But I know this:

Of all his miracles, the most incredible must be, the miracle that rescues me!

When i think about miracles - I instantly go to all the things that Jesus did while he was on the earth. He walked on the water, he stilled the storm, he healed people and he turned water into wine. All, beautiful meaningful important miracles. and ALL of which were performed to bless others and to stand as a witness that Jesus is the Christ and He is the Son of God.
Jesus is a god of miracles. And today I want you all to know and understand through my words that Jesus IS the miracle.

So often in our lives when we are seeking a miracle we become impatient with God or wonder if he is even listening to our pleadings or desires for help or deliverance. In the scriptures we read about miracles and they usually happen in about 5 versus and I think our brains don't really process
that time frame very well when we read it that way. We think where's my miracle or why won't he heal me. He helped them when they asked, so why won't he help me? A wise person pointed out to me that it's important to look at it and realize what it says-
the woman with an issue of blood for 12 years or the man that was blind from birth
there is often a really long time element involved and it isn't usually a quick thing. So is the miracle in the healing or removal of the trial OR is the miracle in what happens leading up to that moment?
Miracles come when we are waiting on the Lord and trusting in him and when we are doing all we can do. The woman with an issue of blood goes out to wait in the street so she can see the Messiah or touch him. The blind man was out on the street waiting for the Savior or the man by the pool of Bethesda waited years for his moment. They were all doing something while they waited.
God loves his children. He wants to bless them. He wants them to be happy. But his greatest goal is to help them achieve Eternal Life. “This is my work and my glory - to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” This is not achieved by miraculously removing all of the unfairness or healing all of our pain and suffering or mending that which is broken or intervening when things get ugly. We came here to earth to learn and to grow and to become who God intends and created us to be. He sees our FULL AMAZING potential and allows us to go through trials and hardships so that we can become like Him. We can not do this on our own because we mess up and then we mess up again - and that’s why we need a Savior. As we try and try again, through the atonement of Jesus Christ - WE become the Miracle.
President Nelson’s talk in April was life changing for me. I’ll share some parts of it.
He says, “Everything good in life—every potential blessing of eternal significance—begins with faith. Allowing God to prevail in our lives begins with faith. True repentance begins with faith that Jesus Christ has the power to cleanse, heal, and strengthen us. “Deny not the power of God,” the prophet Moroni declared, “for he worketh by power, according to the faith of the children of men.” It is our faith that unlocks the power of God in our lives. Through your faith, Jesus Christ will increase your ability to move the mountains in your life, even though your personal challenges may loom as large as Mount Everest. Your mountains may be loneliness, doubt, illness, or other personal problems. Your mountains will vary, and yet the answer to each of your challenges is to increase your faith.”

How do we increase our faith? Pres. Nelson encouraged us - “Immerse yourself in the scriptures to understand better Christ’s mission and ministry. Know the doctrine of Christ so that you understand its power for your life. Internalize the truth that the Atonement of Jesus Christ applies to you. He took upon Himself your misery, your mistakes, your weakness, and your sins. He paid the compensatory price and provided the power for you to move every mountain you will ever face. You obtain that power with your faith, trust, and willingness to follow Him.

Moving your mountains may require a miracle. Learn about miracles. Miracles come according to your faith in the Lord. Central to that faith is trusting His will and timetable—how and when He will bless you with the miraculous help you desire. Only your unbelief will keep God from blessing you with miracles to move the mountains in your life.
The more you learn about the Savior, the easier it will be to trust in His mercy, His infinite love, and His strengthening, healing, and redeeming power. The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith.
Your growing faith in Him will move mountains. Your flourishing faith will help you turn challenges into unparalleled growth and opportunity.

Little did I know that just 3 weeks after this talk was given that Mt. Everest would land in my lap. I guess, For those of you that don’t know - we were on a family vacation in St George at the end of April when, Porter, my 16 year old, dove into a pool and hit the bottom and shattered his C5 vertebrae and was instantly paralyzed from his armpits down. When I say Mt. Everest landed in my lap, I mean - a challenging mountain to climb. And that’s just from my perspective - I wonder what it looks like from Porters. We have run the gambit of emotions. We have gone through the range of questions. My biggest one being - Why isn’t my faith sufficient to have the miracle? And if MY faith isn’t sufficient, Why isn’t the faith of the hundreds, maybe even thousands of people praying for Porter enough? President Nelson and lots of other prophets as well have said, Miracles come according to your faith in the Lord. I guess I don’t have enough faith. I cried about this. A lot. I pleaded. I questioned. I believe I do have enough faith and We need a miracle.
That’s where the Savior’s atonement stepped in. The Savior is never closer to you than when you are facing or climbing a mountain with faith. There has never been a moment that I have felt abandoned or alone or forgotten. If anything, it’s been the exact opposite. Sometimes i have had to stop and think, “Shouldn’t this be harder or more miserable or worse than it is?” Don’t get me wrong, it is hard - but for some reason, it is bearable. It’s doable. its ok. and that reason - is Jesus Christ. We have had peace. I have learned and I am seeing that my faith is turning this challenge into an opportunity for growth and my faith is sufficient and I know we will have our miracle because we TRUST in God and his Will for us and know that his timetable is not ours. Porter will walk again. I don’t know when that day will come, but I KNOW that because of Jesus Christ and his infinite atonement, Porter will be made whole.
And guess what, our faith along with all of your faith has wrought many, more than I can list, many miracles. We saw them and continue to see them EVERY SINGLE DAY! Just because Porter didn’t stand up and walk didn’t mean there weren’t miracles. The fact that he could heal from his accident is a miracle. The fact that his body was created and even existed before his accident is a miracle. There are miracles everywhere - we just need to have the eyes to see them. Elder Rasband said, “Many of you have witnessed miracles, more than you realize. They may seem small in comparison to Jesus raising the dead. But the magnitude does not distinguish a miracle, only that it came from God. Miracles are not always what we ask for or what we expect, but when we trust in the Lord, He will be there, and He will be right. He will suit the miracle to the moment we need it.
We have not just seen miracles in Porter’s recovery, we have seen miracles in our other children’s lives - like Hyrum preparing for and being worthy to serve a mission. Or the relationships in our family that have been solidified. We have seen miracles in other peoples lives as they have been strengthened and humbled by Porter and his attitude and have been drawn to the Savior because of it. We have seen miracles in friends and strangers lives that have reached out to help and bless our family and in return have been blessed. I have had miracles happen in my heart.
Elder Rasband also said, "The Lord performs miracles to remind us of His power, His love for us, His reach from the heavens to our mortal experience, and His desire to teach of that which is of most worth.” I have come to know that that which is of most worth, is our heart. God wants our heart. He wants us to Love Him and to Trust Him. He knows best. As we each travel along our journey of life - there will be miracles. I know that God lives and loves us and I am grateful for the miracle that rescues you and me - even Jesus Christ.
I pray that we can go forward with Faith as we climb our mountains and recognize the miracles along the way that allow us to reach the top.