i want to live

I want to share an experience that completely changed the way I think about this life. This is a deeply personal and sensitive subject, but I will be vulnerable and hope this message resonates with someone out there.

My family went on a hike, and I was sitting alone in the car. I wasn’t sad or upset at all. In fact, I was happy to stay behind and spend some time studying. I’d rather they enjoy the hike without me than miss out because of me. While they were gone, I had time to reflect on something my mom asked me earlier that day.

We had been talking about the “what ifs” of skydiving. What if the parachute doesn’t work? What if I’m not strapped in right? In an effort to make my brothers laugh, I jokingly said, “I hope it happens.” But deep down, a part of me genuinely wanted it. That part of me feels like a burden, like my death would be freeing. Not just freeing for me, but for everyone I love. In my mind, it seemed like a way to escape my future that I fear, the limitations of my body, and the challenges I create for others. My sweet mother looked me in the eye and asked, “Do you really?” Her question lingered in my mind. 

Would I really rather be dead than alive?

If I died, I’d be freed from my paralyzed body: “the spirits of those who are righteous are received into a state of happiness, which is called paradise, a state of rest, a state of peace, where they shall rest from all their troubles and from all care, and sorrow.” (Alma 40:12) Sounds incredible, right? Paradise.

But as I sat there, I started to wonder if those dark thoughts I was having were even true or if they were just a misunderstanding of my worth and the supernal gift of life. I began to question:

Is Spirit Paradise really where I’d find the greatest joy? Would I miss my body, even with its limitations? Would I miss the chance to make memories, to feel the sun on my face, or to serve others in ways that only I can? I’ve often felt like a burden, as though my challenges weigh more on others than they do on me. But would my absence really lift that weight, or would it rob my loved ones, and myself, of the growth and joy we can experience together?

I was crying. I didn’t realize yet that this moment would change the way I saw myself, my life, and the very purpose of living.

Through my tears, the thought came to me. “What am I doing?”

I closed my eyes and mindfully felt the warmth of the sun on my skin. My senses seemed to heighten. I listened to the birds outside, the waves crashing on the distant shore, and noticed the warm breeze run through the car, lifting the hair from off my arms. I could smell sunscreen and taste the Ritz cheese sandwich crackers I was eating. Vivid scenes ran through my mind. My whole being was filled with all the laughter, the memories, the happiness, the joy, and everything wonderful about this life that I now know I would miss if my life was cut short. 

My mind then went to my Savior. The beauty of His life and His voluntary atonement completely overwhelmed me with an indescribable sense of gratitude and peace. This feeling was even more beautiful and powerful than any physical sense.  A feeling only the Spirit can provide. Tears of joy now ran down my face. Jesus Christ understands. He didn’t just die for me; He LIVED for me, enduring everything this life could throw at Him so He could walk this bumpy road with me. He loves me perfectly and God’s plan for me is far better than anything I can imagine. I am His child, given this life to learn, to serve, and to be a source of love and strength to those around me. I learned in that moment that desiring death or joking about it is wrong, no matter our circumstances. I will never do it again.

If you’ve ever felt like a burden or desired death, I challenge you to pause and ask yourself: Is this really truth, or is it a lie I’ve come to believe? Satan wants us to doubt our worth and focus on our limitations, but God sees the infinite potential within us. You are a child of Heavenly Parents, with divine potential to become like them, a King or Queen. Go read your patriarchal blessing. You are more needed and loved than you currently realize. I promise. 

I’m here for a reason. You’re here for a reason. Though we all have moments when we long for peace, I now know that peace doesn’t come from escaping life. It comes from trusting Jesus Christ and letting Him walk with us through the hard days. If you’re struggling, turn to Christ. Let Him remind you of your infinite worth. You are not alone. Through His grace, we can endure and even find joy in this mortal journey.

Yes, my body is paralyzed, and yes, there are challenges I face every day that many people don’t. But I am so so grateful to still be here, to keep trying, and to know that every day is a gift from God. Please don’t throw away this amazing gift you have been given.

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he? Therefore, hold on thy way, and the priesthood shall remain with thee; for their bounds are set, they cannot pass. Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not what man can do, for God shall be with you forever and ever.” (D&C 121/122)