The Power of Porter

People say they love that I'm "real" on this blog....and with what I share, I guess I am real. But there is sooo much more that I don't share. I feel like I give an accurate picture of what's going on in our world and I know most people are here to rejoice with us as Porter progresses and navigates his way on this journey. Most of the time, I'm up for it all. I have, luckily, been a pretty positive, upbeat, optimist in life. I find myself trying to be UP for all of it, but lately there has been a heaviness in my heart. I'm tired. It's a thankless job. I miss so many things that used to be my life. The newness of it all has worn off and gratefully everyone has continued on in their lives. But for me and Paul and Sawyer, there is still a daily reminder that our life has changed and we continue to try to make sense of it all and we are having to keep being brave. Emotions are bottled up, worries and frustrations are kept quiet, stress and anxiety are near the surface, but masked with gentle smiles and deep breaths. 

It comes in waves. Usually, I am feeling the light splash of the tide on the tops of my feet. Just a little bit of sand escapes below my feet that are planted as the water washes out. Sometimes, I get a surprise splash up to my knees and my feet sink deep into the sand. Then, out of nowhere, occasionally, I get knocked right off my feet, and topple into the wave that carries me out a ways and then slams me against the sand and I come up gasping for air. That was this last week. 

Nothing changes to make it harder or worse. I guess sometimes I just let myself go to that place in my head. I don't like it there. It's dark and sad. I feel angry and hopeless there. I told my sister I was in that dark place and she texted me and said, "I truly believe one of the greatest trials and worst parts of mortality is the unfulfilled expectations." I was feeling exactly that. Wallowing in all of my unfulfilled expectations. I told her that I was finding that having zero expectations is almost as bad - nothing to look forward to or hope for or dream about - but at least it keeps the repeated disappointment minimized. I know I need to process my feelings and all of those feelings are real and need to be addressed. However, I also believe that Satan wants me to get discouraged and feel sorry for myself and place blame where it doesn't belong and find reasons to be mad. It's an emotional battle - like an angel and devil on either of my shoulders. BOTH have great, valid arguments. When I start to agree with the devil and even add to his case, reminding him of things he left out in his rebuttal, I feel trapped, thwarted, robbed, depressed and angry. I do not like feeling that way. So I allow myself a moment there, because those are natural emotions associated with situations like the one we are facing. I acknowledge the despair or grief or jealousy or whatever it is that I'm feeling in that moment and then....I just think about how much I love Porter. And almost instantly, it all vanishes. That's the Power of Porter. I think about how grateful I am that he is alive. I look at all that we are learning. I see how much we have all grown and how we have had to dig deep. I start to hear the voice of the angel on my other shoulder that is quietly telling me that I am strong and I am loved. It is reminding me that I am not alone and that this will be but a small moment and be for my good. I am able to lift my head and my heart and keep pressing forward. 

Porter is still as even-keeled as ever. I sometimes wonder if he has a bigger view than I have. Does he know or feel something that I don't? It's almost as if he understands what's going on. How has he continued to be so fine? He is the one that should be angry and bitter and down. But, he doesn't seem mad or sad. He has an inner peace. He is patient with himself. He is patient with me. He is ALWAYS happy to go to therapy and even do extra therapy. He NEVER complains about anything - except maybe that he's cold. He is so positive and pleasant. He wakes up cheery and goes to bed with a smile (usually because that's when he talks to someone cute). He amazes me. He inspires me. I draw so much strength from him and his attitude. He must know who he is and what his purpose is. I guess I better have him teach me how to get that understanding for myself. I'm so lucky to be his mom and be influenced by him every day.