Goodbye 2021

2022 is here. I can't really believe it. Life is one continual blur. It's like on a mission, when the days are long and the weeks fly by. It has been 8+ months. (Back when I wrote this) Also like a mission, we are into a groove and are learning new things all the time, but using what we do know, to keep momentum. Porter continues to be upbeat, positive and happy. Every single day he wakes up smiling and trying to make me laugh. I wish I felt that way. I am mostly doing well, but I'm still trying to find myself in it all. 

Following Thanksgiving, we had some decisions to make. I had been feeling like Paul and Sawyer needed some attention. They were doing fine, but I could tell that something needed to change. It was a part of my world that I was worried about. Paul and I talked and we decided maybe it would be better for us to cut back a day or two doing therapy in Utah and spend more time together as a family in Idaho. Which presented some problems, because we would need to find a therapist in Pocatello so he could continue to have therapy. But, there are no therapists that we have found in Pocatello that are trained to give Porter the attention and care he needs. I was hopeful that maybe there was a hidden gem somewhere amongst us. So Porter and I started visiting lots and lots of physical therapists and their facilities. The first one we went to was obviously very popular, but probably not the best one to start with. There were lots of people there and the music was loud and there was a lot going on. I have never seen Porter like that before. His face was filled with panic and I saw him sink into his chair and he said "I don’t want to be here." He said it reminded him of the weight room at the high school, which through his new eyes, stressed him out. Of course, they were mostly able bodies receiving orthopedic therapy for knees, ankles, backs and shoulders. The thing that has been awesome for us in our journey thus far, is we have been working with talented therapists that have been specifically trained for people with spinal cord injuries or traumatic brain injuries or that have suffered strokes or deal with other neurological disabilities. They know exactly what Porter needs and how to help him. We visited quite a few other places over the course of a couple of weeks and found some very amazing and kind individuals that we could tell are great therapists in their field. A few of them were willing and eager to help Porter and expressed desire to do what they can to learn more and be trained to help him and his needs. Most of the places have equipment and tables that would allow for good strength training for Porter, but there are none that have the specialty equipment that he uses a Neuroworx, understandably. I became a little discouraged. When we went back to Neuroworx and visited with the therapists and owners there, we decided it would probably be OK for Porter to receive real specific care on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays at Neuroworx and then just let someone in Pocatello do strength training with him on Thursdays and Fridays. I feel OK about this, but have yet to decide where to go. Porter really liked quite a few of the people we met for different reasons, so it may be trial and error as we go forward. Of course we have thrown the idea around to move somewhere that has better therapy, but Porter loves being home and loves seeing his friends. We also like Paul’s job and his situation there. It is a great job and he works with good people. Sawyer doesn't want to have to move during high school and I love Pocatello and my world here.

As we talked about being in Salt Lake less, we decided it was time for us to let my brother have his house back and do with it what he would like. Originally, it was going to be a rental property for him and when this all happened with Porter, he was so kind and offered for us to live there. I can’t believe what a blessing it has been to have a home that we can come and go from, where we can leave all of our belongings and it feels comfortable and unimposing. It has been such a blessing to have Emma and Ryan also living with us. They have provided much comic relief and moral support for Porter. I cannot imagine our life the last few months without them. The first word out of Porter‘s mouth every morning is "Emma" as he calls to her in a baby voice. It is very sweet and I love the relationship they have created. Emma has been very helpful to me with food, cleaning and meals. Everyone keeps asking me where we will stay when we come down on Monday and Tuesday nights going forward. We have so many family members and friends that have offered for us to stay with them a couple of nights a week if needed. So, we will probably impose on them. 

Our final few weeks living at Jon's was great. We were busy and spent lots of time with family and friends. On December 17, we packed up the house in Cottonwood Heights and loaded it all in a trailer and headed home for the holidays. The weather was not very cooperative and my poor dad had to drive white knuckled to Pocatello with our things. He was so helpful and I am so grateful. When we got home, I was extremely overwhelmed and stressed. Not having lived in Pocatello for long periods of time, things have started to pile up in our home, especially with the remodel and me coming and going from Utah. Then when my dad arrived with all of the things we had in Utah it got worse… duplicates of so many things - shower chairs, beds, equipment, hoyers (the equipment used to lift Porter out of one bed/chair and into another), bedding, lots of boxes of essential items that Porter needs filled my garage and family room. I felt like I couldn’t breathe for a couple days. It was like combining two lives into one into a space that doesn’t even fit one. It took us a few days to wade through it all. Emma and Ryan luckily got a storage unit for their things. They will be living with us until they move into their place in January. We got a lot done the week before Christmas and then our other children started showing up. Ellie and Ossian came on the 22nd and Phoebe as well. We didn’t get Kody until Christmas Day. The girls were so helpful in trying to get me organized and get things put away and cleaned. We were able to spend a lot of time together playing games, laughing, watching movies, and making memories. We all went to the temple one evening and it was good for me and probably Porter to look at that situation through new eyes and look for ways to make that possible for him to participate. I'm so grateful for good kids that love the Lord. 

We always miss Hyrum and find ourselves talking about how awesome he is. We love the time we get to see him via FaceTime on Mondays and get caught up with him. He has started calling Porter individually and talking with him. I like that. Hyrum is trying to include Porter in all of the missionary work and his thoughts and feelings. Kind of like he is serving for both of them. He will send his journal entries to Porter and tells him he wants him to know exactly how it is. I believe Porter is grateful for the friendship they have developed. I know Hyrum is. 

Being the procrastinator that I am, I was a little stressed during those two days leading up to Christmas, hoping I had equal amounts of gifts and had covered all of my bases. Every year I make it a goal to have my shopping done and everything wrapped and under the tree at least two days before Christmas. I have yet to make it happen. I was only up until 3 AM wrapping on Christmas Eve.  Hahaha. 

We have a fun tradition that we do every year that a good friend told us about. We buy modeling clay and then everyone picks a piece of the nativity and has to make that figure out of clay. We have done it for quite a few years now and every year they turn out different. It’s fun to see what people come up with. Porter made the star and it was great. 

I was a little hesitant going into Christmas this year because I could not think of a SINGLE THING to get for Porter that was fun or cool or exciting. Everything I would think of was some sort of adaptive device or piece of equipment that would make his life easier. But I don’t think that’s what he wanted for Christmas. We ended up getting him a new phone that does not have a home button on it. It has been difficult for him to open his phone because of the home button. Unfortunately, the phone did not arrive in time for Christmas which was kind of a letdown. We ended up just getting him some new clothes. Needless to say, it wasn't a very magical year of presents. BUT, it was fun to be home for an extended period of time. 

Porter has gone with his friends multiple times and they are always so nice to come over and take him with them. Porter had a birthday on December 28. 17-years-old. I can’t believe it. I tried for days to get him to tell me what he would like to have happen for his birthday. I never succeeded. I don’t know if he was waiting for the last minute to see what other people were doing or if he didn’t want to plan something. So I finally threatened to text his friends if he didn’t, but he did and they went out to dinner and a movie. They came back to the house for games and asphalt pie. He got some nice gifts and I think they all had very fun together. Abby was a good sport to be the only girl. She has been such a good friend to Porter - a real constant. 

We all came down with a cold right after Christmas and luckily Porter only had a little congestion. It always makes me nervous when he gets phlegm in his lungs and he can’t cough strong enough to make it productive. Luckily, he didn't get sicker. I have been feeling a little guilty because we haven’t done as much therapy as I had hoped we would while we were at home. It’s hard without a scheduled time to do it. We have been good about stretching him and allowing him to do things for himself. But we have slacked on strengthening. I hope it’s not too noticeable when we get back to therapy. I guess it’s because I’m around him every day and I don’t see the small incremental progress that he makes in different areas. But after my brother and his family were at our house on Christmas he mentioned how far Porter has come in eating. I honestly don’t really think about it anymore and I just put Porter‘s food in front of him and cut it up if needed and he feeds himself pretty much everything. Which is awesome. He can do his own cathing if we help him a little bit with his pants. He brushes his own teeth, blows his nose, washes his face, puts his hat on, his shirt on and the other day, he took off his tie, dress shirt (I unbuttoned it) and his undershirt after church. That was the first time. It was very impressive. 

Porter had the opportunity to receive his patriarchal blessing. A patriarchal blessing is a blessing that is personal revelation for you individually. A person who holds the priesthood is asked to be a patriarch and they spiritually prepare to give these blessings. They lay their hands on the individuals head and strive to listen to the Holy Spirit, or in other words, God, tell them what to say and what gifts and blessings He would like the individual to know about. It is a beautiful experience. It is always humbling as a parent to hear the words that are spoken to your child and recognize how much love Heavenly Father has for them and all of the potential He sees in them. I love hearing all of the blessings that He is willing to grant them as they strive to keep His commandments and serve and love others. As a parent, I feel like I feel the same way about Porter. I love him so much and want every opportunity for happiness in his life. I also feel like I can see some of his gifts and talents and his potential. I want him to see and feel and know of those things as well. I can see the awesome man he can become. As I was sitting there listening, I was thinking that something would be said about his circumstance or situation. But it wasn’t. Nothing was mentioned about his physical disability. It reminded me that our physical limitations are a mortal thing and that everything God wants and hopes for Porter can still be realized and that everything important is still a possibility both on this earth and in the life to come. Porter is capable of living a long and full life even without his legs and use of his hands. It filled me with such peace and comfort. I know Porter is a choice spirit and that God has an important work for him to do. He has already blessed so many peoples lives -  starting with mine. 

It has been sweet to watch Sawyer soften over the last few weeks. I feel like when we got home, he was very quick to anger and mad a lot. I know all of these things have been unconsciously happening, but I see him feeling more secure and loved and noticed and I’m grateful we have had the time to all be together. He and Porter have had a lot of fun together over this break. It is nice that Porter cannot hurt him anymore, although he continues to try, but ends up only hurting himself which makes us all laugh - except for Porter who is usually in pain. Sawyer is always very quick to serve Porter and hug him right when he gets home and hug him before he goes to bed. I love it. 

We did have a mishap over the break. I had finished showering Porter and he was still in his shower chair, naked with a towel on his lap and he lifted the towel to dry off his face and he leaned too far forward to where he couldn't catch himself and he fell out of his chair and onto the floor. I was standing 2 feet away from him and had turned to grab the hoyer to get him transferred. I was turning back as he fell and when I saw his face hit the ground, I learned how real PTSD is. Within seconds there was blood pooling around his head as he laid there naked and wet on the floor. Unfortunately, I freaked out and started yelling at the top of my lungs for Sawyer to come help.  Paul was at work. I had gotten on the floor with Porter so that I could sit him up to maybe help stop the bleeding on his head. I was sitting in the bloody water on the ground, leaning up against the shower wall with him between my legs, sitting with his back on my chest. Because of his hair, and because I was sitting behind him, I could not really see what the damage to his head was and I realized we would not be able to get him off of the floor by ourselves. I decided to call 911 just so they could come and examine his head and help me get him into his chair. Of course the firetruck and paramedics came quickly. Instantly, I got multiple phone calls from friends and neighbors passing by the house. Luckily, he only had about a 2 inch gash on his forehead above his hairline which stopped bleeding fairly quickly. The paramedics and firemen were very kind and very helpful. Porter just kept saying,  "Mom! I’m fine! Why are you so worried? I just hit my head. I’m going to be ok." He was a little frustrated at me for calling for help.  It could’ve been so much worse and I’m grateful he was OK. I was having a tough time keeping it together. my mind and heart were back at that poolside in St. George and the all the feelings of that day came back.  As I was dressing him, I would just burst out crying. I felt terrible. I never wanted him to fall out his chair on my watch. UGH! I did not want to go to the ER. Paul asked our friend to come to our house and assess the situation. He was so great and brought over a suture kit and stitched Porter up real quick. I was so grateful. So that wasn't a fun evening.

Porter continues to do school online and is actually enjoying his history class. We have decided it won't work with our therapy schedule to have him back to school for the third trimester, but we are going to try to go to seminary on Thursdays and Fridays.  I know there are a lot of things that stress Porter out about going back to school and I haven’t figured out how to ease those worries. They are all very valid. I just feel like that social part of his world would be beneficial to get back. I know it would be better than he thinks. It would just take a little time to get used to the various situations and get out of his comfort zone. It’s all very unpredictable. We know that therapy is still the most important thing, but I feel like integrating himself back into school would be a very positive thing. Baby steps. 

We hit our favorite restaurant on New Years Eve and spent the rest of the evening chilling at home. 2021 was quite a year. We have learned a lot. We have grown a lot. We have cried and laughed. We have prayed like never before. We know we will never be the same. Here's to a new year of faith and love. We are so grateful to everyone for the love and support that has gotten us this far. We love the Power of Porter.