Big Day

On my way to the hospital, I decided to ask God to give me the gift of tongues, or in other words, the capacity to be able to communicate with Porter so he wouldn't get frustrated. It was a beautiful day. Blues skies, nice temperature. Porter was alert and seemed happy when I got there. My prayer worked too. I could understand everything he was saying. First thing he said was, "I love you mommy." and he pukered up his lips and I said, "Do you really want me to kiss you on the lips?" and he nodded. So I did. I haven't kissed that boy on the lips probably since he was 5. (His breath didn't smell very good) But it made my momma heart soooooo happy. I said, "Do you wish it was _____ kissing you on the lips?" (name withheld for lack of consent) and he nodded. I laughed. He told me he had a scary dream in the night. He asked me if he had eaten anything yet. He told me he wanted to see his friends. He said, "Dote on me."  So I spent about 45 minutes massaging his shoulders and upper chest, scratching his head and hair, rubbing his ears and wiping his face with a cool cloth. He seemed to really like all of that. 

They put a stuffed animal under his arm to give him some support and so I was teasing him about that. But when they tried to take it away, he got mad. He liked the stuffed dog. The occupational therapist came in and taught me things I can do with his legs and arms to keep him loose and stretched. I am so grateful for these people that have knowledge to help me in a world where I am blind. She gave me some great information and was very good with Porter. 

The interventional radiologist came and talked with me about a procedure they needed to do. They wanted to see what kind of damage had been done on his bilateral vertebral arteries in the accident. So they took him away to do that test. It took about 30 minutes and they said his right artery had been transected a bit above the injury level and there was no blood flow there. On his left side, it had been transected at injury site and that another artery joins up with the top portion a little higher. So that's good. They were worried about blood clots too, having had an injury so close to the brain and having those arteries damaged. They want to put him on a blood thinner, but can't until after his surgery.

Porter seemed calm when he came back from that procedure and we had a few moments together. Then shortly after they came to pick him up for surgery. It's quite a process to get him from one bed to the other with all of his wires and drips and neck. Oh man. I am in awe of these medical professionals. The anesthesiologist came and talked to us and reassured us since we have a slight insight into anesthesia and know the questions to ask there. ;) Then the sugeon, Dr. Maitre, also told us what he was going to do - which was to go in posterially and remove the remainder of C5 if necessary or if it seems unstable and then fuse C4-C6 with screws/plates. They were also going to address the major laceration on his head at that time. Dr. Maitre felt confident and it made me feel peaceful. I had a friend point out that Maitre in French means Master. I love that. I hope he is the master of this surgery. And off he went. 

The quiet moments in the room with him not there are hard. It feels lonely and isolaing and there is no sunlight. I encouraged Paul to go and take the kids on a hike in Red Rock National Park. He's always so nice about wanting me to go, but I can't pull myself away from this place. I know it's good for them be out and be together and work/talk through some of their emotions. I know that if I left, I would just be wanting to get back. So I was fine to stay. I went down to the cafeteria to find something to eat, but quickly was shooed out because it was only for hospital employees. As I was walking out, Porter's nurse was walking in and I told her I missed the signage about not being allowed in there and they kicked me out. She said, "Don't worry, I'll get you some food." and she bought me lunch. She's so awesome. I was surprised at how good the burger was that she brought me and I may be known to be picky. 

The surgeon called me about 3 hours later and told me surgery went well. He ended up removing all of C5 and felt good about that. He said he was all closed up and they were starting on his scalp repair. He said it was way worse than they anticipated - very large, very deep and so they called in a plastic surgeon to help with closing that up. It took them about an hour and half to do that. From there, they took him to get a CT scan to see how things were looking in his arteries. UNFORTUNATELY, they found a large intracranial blood clot that was very concerning to them. So, after consulting with Dr. Maitre and the head Doctor in the PICU, they decided to put him on heparin to thin his blood and hope to break up the clot. This is concerning on another level because of his recent operation and needing and wanting him to be able to recover from that. UGH!! They said it takes about 12 -18 hours to get it to therapuetic levels.

When they brought him back to the room it was taking them quite awhile to get him situated and everything in place. Porter was NOT HAPPY! Of course, he was still coming out of anesthesia, but he was raging. He was biting down on the breathing tube and almost like trying not to breathe. He was flayling his arms around and trying to grab the tube. They couldn't get him to stop moving his arms so they had to put restraints on him. And he wouldn't stop biting down so they had to put a gadget in his mouth to keep him from clenching. All of the beepers were going off and his blood pressure was really high and there were about 6 people all working on him. One of the things that holds all the fluids tipped over on him and hit him on the cheek. He was bright red and I couldn't watch it anymore. I felt so helpless and sad and concerned and worried and I kinda started freaking out inside. So I went outside to the parking lot and just started to pray through my sobs. Watching your son go through that is terrible. I love him so much. I don't want him to suffer. I want to take all of it away from him. I'm sure on a much larger scale that's how Heavenly Father felt as he watched His Son those last few hours of his life and onto the cross. Why, Why, Why!!!! It's not fair. It SUCKS! 

I called my sister to distract me. I told her not to ask me any questions and just to start talking. It was great. She told me all about her famly and about their move back West from the Midwest. My mind cleared, I calmed down and I felt peaceful again. 

When I got back to the room, there he was - sound asleep. Peaceful. My baby boy.  I just stood there and rubbed his gorgeous tan legs. He looks so cute in his beanie and for some reason he looks just like my brother Matt. I started thinking about all the moms/dads everywhere that are watching their kids suffer in one way or another. I felt so much empathy for anyone that has ever had to do this. I keep having that phrase from the new series, "The Chosen" come to mind. GET USED TO DIFFERENT. Life has changed in an instant and we are going to embrace different. I am so grateful fo the never ending support and love that is being poured into our laps and hearts and (bank account). A GoFundMe account was set up by our friends to help offset the cost of the many months of therapy/equipment/counseling that is going to be needed. I CAN NOT believe the generosity of everyone...so many people we don't even know. Our cup runneth over. Thank you if you are one of them and are reading this. We LOVE you. We appreaciate it more than you will ever know. I am so humbled. 

I made a post on Instagram and told everyone to shave their heads to match Porter. #BuzzforBrinton 

It's so awesome to see the response. So many people that love him and want to support him have chosen to shave their heads. My family was the first.

It was a peaceful evening. We spent some time talking to the Doctor in the PICU about so many things. They are so good to us, teaching us, educating us and loving us. I feel like they genuinely care about Porter. Paul gave him another beautiful blessing before we left for the evening. I felt warmth on either side of me, as if there were people surrounding the bed. I believe in angels and I'm working on getting to the point where I will be able to see them, instead of just feel them. I know I have a long way to go, but every day, I have a deeper desire to have that kind of connection with Heaven. My sister in law texted me this morning and said, "I just keep thinking about Porter's hospital room. That place is holy ground right now." That described it perfectly. Heavenly Father has a plan for Porter and I know He is aware of him and watching over him and sending lots of help in the form of heavenly and earthly angels. 

My sister had someone send her this. "Life is entirely unfair and it's in defining moments like now that God does some of his best work. That doesn't diminish the hurt, worry and shear awfulness of the situation but lends an air of hope to it. God works miracles and this is far from over."

Love to all!

Here is the GoFundMe link for anyone that may want to contribute. 

http://bit.ly/porterbrinton