Grab a shovel and start digging

I keep getting the question - "How are YOU doing?" and I keep telling whoever is asking, "I'm doing well." and it's completely true. But over the last couple of days, I've started wondering if I'm hiding. Here in the rehab, I am with Porter and everyone is interested in his health and progress and it's all upbeat and positive. I am surrounded by people that are helping and serving my son. I am only focused on this one thing - being there for Porter. I still feel like I'm just doing my motherly duties as I've always done by feeding and clothing Porter, bathing him, taking him to his appointments with the therapists downstairs, tidying up the room, all the stuff I'd be doing at home. This is important and this is where I should be and I'm grateful I can be. But, I'm worried that maybe I'm choosing to live in this bubble or hiding - because facing what's out there is a lot. I have gotten offers to go get a facial or haircut or go to dinner with friends or take a break while someone else sits with Porter or to go to Pocatello for a couple of days...I totally hesitate and don't want to. Why can't I get myself to do that? or want to do that? I tell myself that I don't want to leave Porter or he needs me. But, the reality is, he's doing great and he's being well looked after here and anyone could be here for him if I wanted to get away for an hour or a couple of days. Am I hiding? Am I not wanting to face reality? When I talk to Paul, poor guy, he is overwhelmed with reality. Should we sell our house right now or later? Should we buy a house or build? Should we remodel a house? How long do we want to do outpatient therapy? What equipment do we need for Porter here in Utah when we are doing outpatient therapy? Do we need different stuff for home? What type of wheelchair should we buy for him? So many questions. So much to figure out. Paul has been fixing our house so we can sell it when we decide. He's been following up with all the details that I don't want to face. He's working and traveling back and forth on the weekends. Needless to say, I think I'm doing better than Paul. I am just reveling in the moments of success for Porter and watching the improvements and seeing the progress and hearing the positives he's getting. Unfortunately, I have completely neglected my other children, my husband, and my life in Pocatello. Not because I want to, but there's an element of feeling bound to my duties here. I want to believe my children and spouse understand and they actually are rolling really well with it all. But it feels as if it's getting to the point where I need to start extending myself beyond these walls. So, I am doing well....but what's going to happen when I leave here? It's so safe and secure here. Being on our own to care for Porter and fulfill all of his needs will be challenging. There are so many little things to think about.  I am trying to watch and learn everything I can here. I'm trying NOT to worry about too far into the future because we don't know what that's going to look like. I just hope that as I hide here in the cocoon of rehab and therapy that both Porter and myself will emerge as butterflies, ready to explore and enjoy our new world out there.

The other night, after our nightly routine of getting him ready for bed and all situated, I said, Well, we did it." as I let out a big breath of completion and Porter said with a heaviness in his voice, "Mom, you're going to have to wake up every night every 2 hours for the rest of your life to turn me." I was like, "That's fine sweetie. I want to. But it may be someone else doing it too, like a friend or a sibling, or a wife." and he started to cry and very apologetically said, "I'm sorry mom." My heart....feeling for his heart. Feeling like a burden. I don't know if that was the first time he had realized that or just felt the weight of it all. I told him not to be sorry and that I'm happy to do it and will do it and then I reminded him, that it is very probable that he will be turning himself in the night and be living independently from me. Which he probably can't imagine at this point. He said, "I don't want you to worry about me." I explained to him, that even if he wasn't in this situation I would worry about him. I worry about each of my children, for different reasons. That's what mom's do. It was a sweet, hard moment. I love to lean in when emotions are tender and lay my head on his chest or shoulder and just love on him. 

The week started out great with Abby teaching Porter to use a pencil to write. He was able to hold the pencil, but couldn't quite get enough pressure on it to really make marks. He did a little scribbling and I think a marker or pen may work better that you don't have to push on like you do a colored pencil. It was awesome that he had done that with Abby because later in the week, Miranda, the speech therapist wanted to do some cognitive testing with Porter to make sure his mind after his concussion was working up to speed and in comprehension and in memory. The first he did was a bunch of repeating back lists of unassociated words, or re-telling a brief story with lots of details that she had read to him, or drawing a picture after only seeing it once, or matching angles with numbers, or repeating number sequences up to about 7 numbers. It was cute because after she administered the tests she figured out his score and then turned to him and said, "Well, I have done this for a lot of years and have given this test hundreds of times and I have NEVER had someone score this high. You pretty much tested perfect and I'm not worried about you one bit." She couldn't believe it. I could. Porter is very bright. He has a great mind. He learns quickly. He retains info. He has a good memory and he just gets it. He had his half smile going as she told him all of this. I'm sure it gave him a boost of confidence and made me feel good. It made me feel so very grateful that his brain has not been affected by the accident. A couple of days later, Miranda came back and said, "I want to try a few more tests on you." I think she wanted to challenge him a little more, but also see if he could recall things he had already learned in school. So they went in a room and she did a bunch of algebra and story problems with him. She also quizzed him on the human anatomy that he had learned. Then she did some reading of a story and asked him a bunch of questions about it from an English standpoint. Again, she was blown away. She encouraged him to make sure he kept using his awesome mind to do great things. What a guy.

Monday evening was kind of special for Porter because his thoughtful sister, Emma, lined up a darling girl to come give Porter a facial. He had looked forward to it all day and he had done quite a bit of therapy that day, leaving him tired and worn out, so anticipating someone doting on him for an hour in a relaxing way, made him excited. Sierra Stokes, (the.skinned.esthetician on IG or linktr.ee/theskinnedesthetician) came all the way from Orem and set up in our room with lots of products and her own warming oven. She was so sweet and pampered Porter to the nth degree. She said he had her turn on Novo Amor and kept commenting on how awesome the products smelled. He said she did a bunch of different treatments on his face and every one felt fabulous. He was completely relaxed when I came back into the room. What a sweet, kind thing that was for her to do for our Porter. As I was saying goodbye to her and her cute husband and little boy, I totally started to cry and gave her a big hug. I just felt so grateful that they would drive all the way to do that for him. And I really think it helped him and made him happy. 

While Porter was getting his facial, I sat in the reflection room talking to Sara and Johnny, my sister and her husband. They have offered to have us live with them while we stay in Utah for outpatient therapy which is so nice. We have been worried about where to live and what to do so we don't have too many expenses and because we aren't sure what outpatient therapy will look like. They were making me feel like they have just been planning on it. It just fills me with such security to have these kind of people in my life. No matter what the challenge - they will be there and help and support me. We are still trying to figure it out, but we feel grateful to have this as an option. They came for dinner and brought Porter sushi. He was THRILLED. He loves sushi and eating food with Johnny makes everything taste better. Porter and Johnny talked about all sorts of great and exciting things. Johnny is a dreamer and comes up with fun ways to face life. Porter really enjoyed their visit.

We were trying to make the most of every moment with Jade, our favorite PT student, at the beginning of the week, because she will be done with her rotation here on Wednesday. We love Jade. She has been SOOOOO good with Porter and she 'gets' him and has really connected with him. She is a great therapist and she is going to do wonderful things for people. We feel so lucky to have had this time with her. She and Porter tease each other and Porter is going to miss her. He wanted to give her something, so he gave her some sour watermelons and one of the silicone wrist bands that were made for Porter's tennis team. She was cute about it. 

During physical therapy they had Porter get in the stand up machine and it was the first time they got him to full standing. It took awhile and we had to be careful about his blood pressure, but he did it. He doesn't love it, but it has great overall effects on his body. It strengthens the bones, gets the body upright, helps circulation, improves respiration, prevents tight muscles and aids in bowel function. So, hopefully, every time after this, he'll be able to get to full standing when we do it again. He's awesome. Every week he also spends time on the FES (functional Electrical Stimulation) bike. He increases his strength and endurance and it's something that encourages him to keep moving. It's great. They got it all configured this week for his arms as well to do an arm bike which will be helpful for his strength and agility also. He's been working hard. 

He has worked on sitting up and stabilizing himself. He has been working on punching a ball, throwing tennis balls and also manual transfers. He's done some more loops around the campus in the manual wheelchair. He tried a different chair this week that is more motor propelled and Porter just steers it. He did't seem to like that one as well. They want to give him options, so he will kind of know what's out there and what will work best for him. I love that they change things up all the time and keep it interesting. One day we were headed down the hall and the doctors were standing to the side of the hall talking with their stand up desks and laptops. Dan whispered to Porter, "I'll give you $5 if you hit one of the docs with your wheelchair." Of course, Porter accepts the challenge and runs directly into a fellow, Andrea. It was hilarious. She was like trying to get out of his way as she saw him coming towards her. Then he rammed her. She was a good sport and laughed when she realized he was trying to hit her. hahaha. She's the type that will probably get him back somehow. 

A huge milestone was reached this week. Porter's stoma closed. That is something to celebrate. His neck is officially closed and no air is getting out through the trach site. YAY! YAY! YAY! This is something we have been praying for for a couple of weeks. It looks good and I know it feels good to Porter. It is still quite sensitive, but he doesn't even wear a bandage over it anymore. The body truly is amazing. 

Emma and Ryan got to come this week. It was like a breath of fresh air. They arrived on Wednesday and it has been soooooo fabulous having them here this week. They are very helpful and interested in learning all the stuff to do to help. Porter's whole mood is funnier and more upbeat and awake. He tries to make them laugh. He talks about and acts like his Stoma is a separate identity and his friend. He always refers to it, sometimes in a Gollum voice, like "Stoma is shy" or "don't look at Stomie." He's so weird. He is more himself and has a new audience to entertain. What has been so wonderful is I see him trying harder in therapy and doing more and giving it his all plus some. Maybe to impress them. It's awesome. He just seems happier over all with them here. They laugh a lot and he and Ryan get going in their silliness. They are constantly making inside jokes and faces at each other. It makes me very happy. Emma is always watching and taking note of things he might need or that would be helpful. She is so good at that. (I just make do with what we've got.) She jumps up every time he says he needs something. She is constantly rubbing his shoulders and scratching his head and putting lip stuff on him and giving him sips of water. I appreciate her so much. And she is the best validator in the world. Always complimenting him on what he's doing and how cute he is. Emma has been hands on the whole time. It's been great. She beat Porter in connect 4 so that was exciting. Porter played Ryan in Guess Who? and it's fun to have them in therapy. Ryan tries out the equipment and wheelchairs and has more respect for Porter after having tried. It really takes some coordination. We have had some good times. We are going to miss them. 

Emma and Ryan have been staying at my childhood friend, Sheri Schenk's (now Dalton) parents house, which is 2 minutes from here in my old neighborhood. Greg and Gayle have been so good to us. Gayle keeps checking in on us and offers to help in any way she can. She did my laundry and has brought multiple meals and has really gone over and beyond in her generosity and support. It's been so fun to reconnect with their family. Sheri came with a basket full of goodies to the rehab for a visit. I haven't seen her in years. She looks just like she did in high school - good old East High. We laughed and cried together - she has been through some very tough stuff and as we shared and empathized with each other, I felt such a sisterhood in suffering and camaraderie in conviction. Each story, each situation, each journey is different. Each person's lot in life is unique - with the same purpose. God's design for our lives is oh so individual, so very personal, but somehow each path is meant to take us all back to the exact same place. To God. How we get there doesn't matter. I have been grateful this week as I have visited with different friends, like Sheri, that our paths DO cross and we meet at various places along the journey to help and love and lift each other. We need each other. So many people have been there for us these past weeks. My sister Sara said it perfectly, she said, "...faith to move mountains is a real thing. It means we all grab a shovel and start digging. That is consecration. We look around and see needs and we act in behalf of that person. $5 here. A meal there. Laundry. Stocking a fridge. Painting a house. Dropping off a balloon. Offering a warm bed. Planning a fundraiser. Sending a Note. Donating. Saying a prayer. Etc. The unique inspirations from individuals based on their own impressions, gifts, abilities and resources. But when we all grab a shovel and start digging, the mountain starts moving. The Lord helps us dig. And He will even bring the giant earth mover at the right time. Times like this connect us to each other and to God." Isn't she awesome? I thought that was so powerful and true and I LOVE IT! My dad also said something along those lines....He shared a scripture (D&C 38:7-8) that says, "Mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and you cannot see me. But the day soon cometh that you shall see me."  and then he said, "I feel like we have SEEN Jesus in the kind, generous and loving acts of so many people on Porter's behalf." I say AMEN to it all.

I saw another childhood friend this week too, Katie Bryner (Jahnke now). She works in the U of U hospital and so when she had a break she came and found us walking through the halls and followed us up to our room. She was so sweet and told Porter some funny stories about me in High school, of which, I had no recollection. It was a fun walk down memory lane. 

I actually took a literal walk down memory lane through my old neighborhood the other morning. On Friday night, Paul came down for the weekend and encouraged me to come to the Schenk's to sleep. (Wink face) I had not left the rehab overnight yet. I was a little hesitant, but thought it would be awesome to spend some "quality time" with my darling husband. Porter reassured me he would be okay with his questions like, "What will I do if I need something?" "When will you be back?" haha He's so dumb. He hasn't awakened me once this whole week. So I felt confident he'd survive. Anyway........on Saturday morning I woke up and walked up and down every single street in my old neighborhood. Such beautiful houses and the trees and landscapes have grown so much. I was reminiscing hard core. It was very fun. I had such a perfect, carefree, happy childhood and loved walking past all of my friends houses and thinking about so many fun times. I am grateful for my home and family that have helped me become who I am.

Porter has had soooo many fun visitors this week. It's been great to see some of his cute friends (Emily and Raegan and their moms) from Pocatello and they are so nice to have gone out of their way to come see him and bring him yummy stuff to eat. He really liked seeing them and catching up. We have also had cousins and friends from various parts of our lives. Everyone is just so nice to come and support us. 

One of his visitors was Alex Boyé, who has agreed to do a concert in Pocatello tomorrow night, June 14th, at the Portneuf Ampitheatre and donate some of the proceeds to Porter. My amazing friend, Melanie, had a feeling like she should reach out to him when she heard he was going to be in Pocatello for another event. He agreed to do a concert and she has worked soooo many hours organizing and coordinating and getting it all put together. I am so grateful for all of her hard work. I know it hasn't been what she wanted to sign up to do, but she's amazing and so kind. It'll be a lot of fun. If you want to go to the concert, here's a link to get tickets. (www.westbank.us/shop/alexboye) It will be a great outdoor summer concert. Alex wanted to meet Porter and get to know him a little, so Melanie planned a time and he came to the rehab. Right when he saw Porter he said, "You must be one of God's greatest warriors man. Because God only gives the tough stuff to His warriors." He was very kind and a little formal at first, and then something switched. He just started talking to Porter like a friend. He was sharing some personal stuff with him and talking in teenage terms and being real and open. He was putting himself out there for Porter and he could relate. He talked to Porter about visualizing. He told Porter to see himself playing tennis and running to the ball and hitting it over the net. He suggested he get a picture of his favorite tennis player in action and replace his face with his own. He explained to him how this would help him see himself different - in all his potential. He said, "That's how God sees us. He doesn't see you in a wheelchair. He sees you as His perfect child with unlimited capabilities. That's why he keeps showing up for us - helping us to SEE who we can become and not to get stuck in who we are. He believes in us and wants to help us." He shared the scripture - Proverbs 29:18 - "Where there is no vision, the people perish." They talked about ways to keep your eyes open and focused and really wanting something. He was all positive. He sang Porter a song that was beautiful about God never sleeping and told him that Nothing gets past God. He knows it all. He was terrific. We really enjoyed it. We walked him out to his car and my brother Jon and his family and my sister Joanna had come and were waiting outside for us with dinner. Alex came over and met them all and even had some Indian Food with us. What a personable, fun and kind man. We feel so lucky to have had that time with him.

Are you bored yet? Yikes this is long. 

My friend, Kim Brightwell, has been such a fun part of our week. Multiple times, she has graced us with her presence and talent. She has brought yummy food and delivered it with a dance and a smile. She has so much energy and love radiates from her. She may be Porter's new favorite. She is fun. She kept asking me if she could steal me away to get pedicures or anything. I kept refusing and so on Friday night, she showed up with Iceburg shakes in hand and all the tools and tubs to give me a pedicure right there in the rehab. What a girl. And boy did I need it. It was wonderful. I was relaxed and thoroughly enjoyed it. I thought that was soooo sweet. 

On Saturday evening, my 2 friends, Shayne and Ryan, from my MTC district came and picked up me and Paul and took us to dinner. That was a first for me. Emma and Ryan were hanging out with Porter so we knew he was in good hands. We went to the Dodo and enjoyed a lovely dinner and visit with our friends. They are such good guys and have always been there for me at hard times in life. We laugh a lot together. It's great. It was nice to see them. When we got back to the rehab, Sara and Doug and Lillie were there feeding my kids. Soooo nice. We stayed outside for awhile and enjoyed the most gorgeous summer evening. It was a perfect temperature. 

Today has been lovely. Sunday's always are. We had a few visitors today which kept things happy and interesting. We also got to watch Alex Boyé give a fireside that was full of life and love and gospel. He is easy to listen to and he really has a way of getting your attention. We really liked it.

On to a new week. I'm tired and need to get this posted. So without further adieu.....Peace out!