Faith and God's Will

The skies were gray and cloudy when I awoke on Sunday. I know Utah has been needing some rain, so this was a welcome sight. I had decided to fast - there were a lot of things on my mind, but I also wanted to do a little extra to help Utah get some rain. I have been thinking a lot about faith and the will of God. This whole situation with Porter is such a weird place to be in - wanting to have the faith for him to walk and even be healed completely, but then to simultaneously be willing to accept God's will for us. I can't seem to figure out which way to lean more. Can you do both? And if you accept God's will which may be that he doesn't walk, have I not exercised enough faith?? or is my faith not sufficient? But I know there are hundreds, maybe even thousands of people praying for Porter and isn't all that faith combined enough? And if it is God's will that he doesn't walk, do I stop praying for and having faith that he can and will? All of these thoughts run through my head. I don't ever feel doubt or disbelief or a lack of faith - I just want to know! I feel like it may help me get from here to there or what to expect....but that's not the way it goes, right? Joy in the journey. If we knew the end from the beginning...what's the fun in that? I texted a few people these thoughts and feelings and felt strengthened by their responses and their insights and their testimonies. 

I was teary when Paul and Sawyer walked in and Paul just sat by me and I laid on his chest and it felt so good to be with him and by him and have his arm around me. It's hard to be apart and to be dealing with such a huge thing in our life. He wants to be here all the time and I'm sure he is in his thoughts. It's frustrating for him to not have me respond to his texts or answer his questions. It may seem like I don't have much going on, but I feel like I hardly have a second to look at my phone. I'm wanting to be engaged with the nurses and doctors and therapists and watch everything. He's taking care of so many things at home and I know it's overwhelming. But, we are trying to keep in touch and be there for each other. Sawyer seems to be doing well. He has always been a productive kid, so I know he is just keeping busy and golfing when he has down time. He has been fun to text. We haven't let our children have phones until they start driving, but with all that's going on, we felt like it would be beneficial for Sawyer to have a means of communicating with us. I love it when he spams me. (Spam = doing a lot of something) He was so cute with Porter this weekend. 

Our good friends, the Bartholets, from Pocatello dropped by and said hello. They came bearing gifts and lots of love. It's fun to have a touch of home. They have been so helpful with so many things for us over the past couple of weeks. Filling in lots of holes in our life. We are so grateful.

We were able to join our ward for our church services via zoom. It was a sweet meeting and we also felt grateful we were able to partake of the sacrament in our room. It had been a few weeks. On Saturday, Porter asked me if we would be able to do that. He said, "I've missed taking the sacrament. It'll be good to do it." I'm grateful Paul was here to provide that for us. Once again, the rehab room, took on a sacred feeling. Knowing we were in a holy place, set apart from the world. I have no doubt angels attended. I wish I were more in touch with the spirit world. I wish I knew who was standing at Porter's bedside watching over him. I wish I could feel who gave me a hug the other night. I wish I could see those that are telling Porter he's brave, he's strong and that he can do it. I know they are here. For that, I am grateful. We also tuned into Paul's cousin, Mitch's talk. He's a fabulous speaker, and my boys were fully involved in his message. I'm glad we were able to listen in. 

We hadn't really planned what to eat for lunch and so we pulled out our PB&J and made a few sandwiches. Porter was kind of bummed and was hungry, but knew we didn't have many options. After his first bite of a dumb sandwich, we had a knock at the door and our cute friend, Stacey, who has a son upstairs from us, offered us those delicious warm poppy seed ham and cheese sandwiches that Porter loves. He was thrilled. It was a tender mercy for sure. I love stuff like that. It made everything all better. 

Porter's good friends, Preston, James and Zanna, came to visit too, along with the Francis family, whom he loves. He was so excited to see them. The hugs were precious. My heart! They laughed and talked and gave him the run down on things that are going on. He was smiling the whole time. I enjoyed talking to my awesome friend, Melanie, too. It feels so good to see the people that are part of our every day lives. It's been a minute. I miss them. I'm so grateful for them. I know Porter enjoyed seeing them so much. 

When we got back to our room, I got a text from our friend, Shirley, in Virginia. She told us how she had felt strengthened throughout the day as she wore her Power of Porter t-shirt. This made my heart happy. And then I saw pics of so many of our friends in Virginia that had purchased the t-shirts and had gotten together to take pictures. They knew Porter 8 years ago. They helped me raise him. He made everyone laugh and smile. Some of them, haven't seen him since we left. But just right there - so many prayers, so much faith, so much support, so much LOVE.

Another awesome thing transpired as well. Our amazing orthodontist, Jeff McMinn, drove down from Pokie to take Porter's braces off. He was scheduled to get them off this week, so Dr. McMinn offered to come do this for Porter. He was VERY excited. He brought his tools and high tech gear and popped those suckers off and did a scan so he can make him retainers and it was fabulous. He also brought his lovely assistant, Maja, along. It was very fun to see them and visit with them. All of the staff here was like, "What? Your orthodontist came all the way down to do this for him? Never seen that before." Pretty awesome. Porter looks FABULOUS! He is darling and looks more grown up. Happy day.

We gave Porter a shower and he got pretty cold. He doesn't love showering. It's long and cold and we're not very good at it yet. But, he doesn't complain. He was full on shivering when we were done, so we got him back in bed and asked for a bunch of blankets from the warmer. He was all snug in bed and the nurse came in to do trach care and all of a sudden, his trach was laying on his chest. She had accidentally popped it out. I was stressed. Porter was calm and it didn't seem to be affecting him. The nurse called for respiratory and Porter said, "Why don't you just leave it out?" They have been talking about taking it out tomorrow anyway. But, they felt like they couldn't make that call, so the RT (respiratory therapist) came in and cleaned it off and slid it back in. It was pretty uncomfortable for Porter having it put back in and he was coughing and kind of bugged. He asked me to put a warm blanket over his face and he stayed like that for about an hour. I don't know if it was just that he needed a moment because it was stressful, or if he just was cold and didn't want to talk to anyone. I could see that it was helping him calm his cough down. Ohhhh, all of this is so weird. Like, what is going on? ugh! I'm glad it turned out ok and I'll be soooo thrilled when that thing comes out. 

Paul and Sawyer had to leave. I was sad. I don't like them to leave. I didn't want to let go. I miss them so much. 

Porter and I turned on The Chosen so we could watch the new episode. It's amazing. I'm telling you....Watch it. Their slogan is COME AND SEE! and you should. You won't be disappointed. My sister ordered shirts for me and Porter from their merchandise. The shirts say, "Get Used to Different." I can't wait. I'm definitely getting used to different. And I like it.

I am choosing to have faith in the every day miracles and I KNOW that God will not withhold a miracle for Porter because of my lack of faith. I know His plan for him is bigger than I can understand in my limited mortal understanding right now. I believe that Porter will live to fulfill all that the Lord has in mind for him.  I will TRUST and go forward with faith allowing God's will to prevail. I know that the atonement of Jesus Christ covers all that we are experiencing and His enabling power will continue to sustain us. I love Him and I LOVE MY PORTER!