Sleepover

Porter hinted at wanting me to stay overnight with him, so last night I decided I would.  He had been kind of restless and in pain and I wanted to make sure he had what he needed in the night. They were done bugging him at about midnight and they turned off the lights and I tucked him in. He fell right to sleep and so I tried to get comfortable in the recliner. If that's even possible. I guess it was, or maybe I'm exhausted because I instantly was asleep and to my amazement, I didn't wake up until 4:36. I didn't hear one beep, Porter hadn't moved a muscle and no one came in to my knowledge, although I'm sure they had. I tried to go back to sleep, but we all know that at times like this, the second you're awake, you're awake. Your mind starts racing and worrying and thinking about everything and then some. So I got up and walked around for a little while. By about 5:30 - the whole unit was buzzing with shift changes and people coming around to take x-rays and docs doing their rounds. There was a lot going on. I was happy to be there when Porter opened his eyes. He gave me the sweetest half smile that melted my heart. I was so grateful that he slept well. They have taken him off of Norepinephrine as well as heparin and switched him to Lovenox which is good. He's just on a very minimal dose of a narcotic and a bowel concoction. He is needing less support from the ventilator, but still requires some. His tracheostomy tube was bothering him less and it appears that he is getting used to it. He has been maintaining his body temperature so they took that freezing cold ice blanket out from under him. The day was filled with positive improvements and encouragement as he seems to be healing and making slow but sure progress. (I keep wanting to say baby steps, but that feels weird to say given the circumstances. haha) We are so hopeful. So very very hopeful.

Dale, the speech therapist, came in this morning to do a swallow study with Porter. He was very nice and informative and helped us understand more of what is going on. And I'll tell you what, it's not just about Porter being able to swallow. There are so many muscles and parts of your throat and esophagus and what has to happen for him with the tube in his neck and it's all just so complicated. So, he got out a little spoon and started to give some apple juice to Porter on the spoon. You would've thought he'd never had anything better in his whole life. It's like when you can't get the food in a baby's mouth fast enough. He was just staring at it and basically saying with his eyes, "Hurry and get some more in my mouth." He actually did say, "Just pour the whole down my throat." We gave him a sacrament cup size of water and he drank it and did awesome with that as well. Dale said he was doing great and seems to be swallowing totally fine and his neck was making the right movements and the tube appeared to be moving the way it normally should. But, after about 10 spoonfuls, we started to notice some secretions coming out of the tracheostomy site under his tube. So Dale stopped and said, "Let's go get one of the nurses to see what she thinks." They are worried that there might be some of the liquid getting down into his trachea somehow and then we are seeing it come out. This is worrisome because we don't want him to aspirate anything and also he doesn't have the strongest cough right now so if he did get something down there, would he be able to cough it back up and out??? Soooooooo, Dale said there are some test we can run to see what's happening in there. It's a complicated system and while he appears to be fine on the outside, there may be something that isn't working on the inside. Whether it's a nerve issue to the muscles not getting signals to do what they're supposed to or if some part of his body was injured in the accident or from the breathing tube that we can't see - like a tear or a hole. They talked about doing a test with some dye in the water so that we can give it to him and see if it comes out the tube site which means there is a problem or it will tell us if he is swallowing fine and it's all going down the esophagus and the secretions we are seeing are just from the tube moving around as he swallows. They also thought maybe waiting a day would help the tracheostomy heal a little more. UGH! Porter was highly frustrated and said, "Please just give me a drink of water." and Dale told him it wasn't safe and he said, "Yes it is, I am fine. I can swallow it." and Dale explained to him that we need to wait and Porter was like, "Just give me some water, I don't care." His persistence was endearing and also heart breaking. Cute guy wants some water, is that too much to ask? I bet he asked us 4 more times throughout the day for a drink and told us not to ask the nurses and just to give it to him. I mean, how rude is that - here sweetie, have one swallow of water to remind you how heavenly it is and how good it feels on your throat and then ok - that's all you get. So dumb and frustrating for him. He was understanding what we were saying, but he probably felt fine drinking it so he's confused as to why he can't have it. Dale said he wouldn't be able to come back until this morning. SO that's BORING! I think that whole ordeal kind of deflated Porter, and us. We were so excited about this next step for him to get back to normalcy, but I guess we will just pray that there isn't a problem with the anatomy of his throat but that it's just the freshness of the tracheostomy. And hopefully, we will find that out today. He wanted to watch a movie, which he hasn't wanted to do, so we got him all situated and turned on Green Lantern. I think the screen is 24X36 - so that's fun. Actually, Porter is used to that because our tv at home is not much bigger. (Porter would have said "fax" to that statement)(fax = facts = truth) Oh I miss hearing his lingo - he is so funny and says the best stuff. 

Paul basically took over for the nurse today. He was doing everything that needed to be done. And what a blessing that he knows how to do it all. He worked in a neuro ICU before nurse anesthesia school and a lot of this is very familiar to him. He understands pretty much everything they are talking about and the medications they are giving Porter and it's so reassuring. What's scary is thinking about myself having to learn and do it all. I know I can do it, but it's a lot to learn. I have been a little hesitant, I'm not gunna lie. I think my hesitation is mainly because I'm very shy when it comes to body stuff and I'm ultra modest. And here is my 16 yr. old son and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want his momma messing with his business and seeing him nakie (naked - for those of you who couldn't figure out what nakie means :)) Actually, now that I'm saying that, I'm sure Porter doesn't really care in the slightest. I guess I would care, so I shouldn't project myself on him like that. But again - we are GETTING USED TO DIFFERENT and of course he wants me to take care of him and I get to. I am so grateful to be in the position that I can take care of him and to be STRONG enough physically to take care of him. (Emotionally, not quite sure yet). I know the "know how" will come with time and practice. But it was sweet to watch the interactions between Porter and Paul all day. New adjective for us - Care givers. As I type that word, I know it means more than physically. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally/physchologically. All areas need care. I hope to be the best care giver in the world for Porter. 

We had a beautiful experience early evening that wasn't expected. I have a niece, Grace Richards, who is serving a mission for our church in Washington DC. As part of her assignment, she gives tours of the Visitor's Center of the Washington DC temple. We had signed up probably 2 weeks ago to have her give us a tour via zoom and I had completely forgotten about it until the reminder popped up on my phone. We used to live in Virginia and that was our temple and so we were excited to be back there virtually and also happy to see cute Grace. Right as the zoom call opened, I saw Grace and her companions standing there with a huge statue of Jesus Christ behind them. Flood gates open. It felt a little like the heavens had opened and there were 3 angels standing there with love on their faces and then our Savior standing there with his arms extended towards me. So beautiful. We stood right by the side of Porter's bed so he could hear and listen. There were a lot of sweet messages shared as they testified of Christ beckoning for us to Come Unto Him and that His love is constant and unconditional. They testified of the importance of families and temples and making our homes holy places. They helped us feel God's love and reminded us that this life is the time to prepare to meet God. We felt the spirit of their words and were so grateful to have that sweetness in our hospital room with us. It was great seeing Grace and I'm sure it was good for her to see her cousin for whom she's been praying. I'm so so grateful that zoom call happened. Tender Mercy. 

Paul and I headed home around 11:00 and ate some left-overs and talked a little about what to do with our house and how the transition to rehab is going to work for our family (We have decided on the University of Utah btw) (btw = by the way) and what to do about Sawyer and Hyrum.........lots to think about and big decisions. I feel like our decision to go to the UofU was clear. We are so blessed to have soooo many family members and friends in Utah that we are confident will love and support us in this journey. We know there are many outside of Utah that will be equally supportive, but just further in proximity. We have faith that as we go forward, we will continue to be blessed and opportunities will be presented and healing will come. 

Thank you for being here. We need you and we love you!